Nil by mouth

Missing words

My last proper blog was January! I can’t believe it’s been so long – but I think that’s because there’s only really been one thing on my mind, and it’s been something I’ve not been allowed to talk about.. until now. 

Jude is going to be a big brother! (And we’re going to be parents to TWO! Oh god – every time I see a mum with two, I just think ‘What have we done??!’)

Our 12 week scan – they all look like blobs really, don’t they?!

     

I’m almost five months in now and finally, FINALLY feeling slightly better; more energetic and less hungover! I definitely don’t remember feeling this awful for such a long time when I was pregnant with Jude. The first trimester is by far the worst: sickness, tiredness, been off food, being on food – I was ill with an awful cold too, which was a nightmare. And all this, without being able to tell anyone – to explain myself – to anyone! I was cancelling plans with friends, turning up to work looking like I’d been out on the razz the night before, sleeping during the day (when I could), and was unable to explain that it wasn’t me being lazy and gross, it was just my body, coping with the early beginnings of a baby.

  Having a second baby is so weird. I have had lots of overwhelming feelings of guilt. Guilt for Jude, and feeling too tired and sick to play with him; guilt for the new baby and the lack of time spent thinking and being excited for him/her – there simply isn’t time this time!; more guilt for Jude and how much his life is going to change when he has to share his parents with a new sibling; more guilt for the new baby, and how different his/her first year will be in comparison to Jude’s. The list goes on. 

A little light reading – my mother’s day gift from bump

     

And then I pulled myself together. 

  I simply cannot spend the next 4.5 months worrying and fretting about what’s to come. Now is the time to enjoy the time we have with Jude (and on that note: summer holiday at 7 months preggers is already booked), look forward to the amazing time we have ahead of us – help Jude to become an independant little boy, who will be an AMAZING big brother, and generally chill out

  
   I’ve been feeling funny, not only about the concept of two children, but also about the actual birth. Most people would say that I had a great first labour. And, I know that in comparison to some births, I definitely did. The most important thing happened, and that is that Jude arrived healthy and I remained healthy. However, I was induced and had an epidural, which meant that I slept through almost my entire labour and didn’t really have to deal with any contractions or any pain during pushing (some people’s dream!). Prior to giving birth, I had hoped for a spontaneous labour, natural birth and as little pain relief as possible – I trusted my body 100% and wanted to connect with my baby through a relaxed, natural birth. The opposite happened. My body didn’t do as it was supposed to (possibly because Jude wasn’t ready to arrive and should have been left where he was?), and I had to have a lot of drugs in order to have him arrive when the hospital said he should. So this time around, I feel much MUCH more nervous about the actual birth – can my body do it this time? 

And so the ‘bumpies’ start again!

I have also considered a home birth. The last time, I was convinced that water would really help me in labour – I had a bath at one point in early labour while being induced with a pessary, and the pain from the contractions went away while I was in the bath – it was amazing! So this time, I would really love to have a water birth at home. But, I am very worried that my body simply wont be able to do it. While writing this, I am also very aware that I may well be wrong to be this nervous. I certainly know that I now have approximately 20 weeks to sort myself and my mental state out – my body can do it – it just needs the time it needs! 

   

Anyway, there you have it! Baby number 2 is well and truly on the way – second scan next week and we’re having another surprise – no finding out the gender for us (or you!). The only way is up…! 

Waiting

I’m sitting here in the lounge and I’m showered, bag packed, snacks in, nails freshly painted, waiting for Jude to wake up so we can go out. It’s 9.42am. We need to be somewhere that is half an hour away by 10. Why is it that you can spend days, nay weeks trying to get the baby to nap so you can have some ‘me’ time, you can go weeks without being able to paint your nails and just when he naps ‘correctly’ and you have time, it’s when you don’t have time? 

I believe it’s a little thing called ‘life with a child’. A life that I love. And yes, we are due to be somewhere by 10, but who cares?? I’m back to work in 6 weeks and I know from then on my life is going to backflip all over again. In fact I’ll probably never have time to sit in the lounge and wait for Jude. Or write a blog. 

  

Baby (and toddler?) brain

Before I had Jude, I was so switched on – I would notice EVERYTHING. I would never forget a face, I could walk down the street and say things like ‘See that person over there? Well, he came into the pub I used to work in once, about 12 years ago or something, and was so drunk he could barely stand up’. I used to remember things. I used to remember pointless, irritating things and annoy everyone around me. I was so alert, nothing could get past me. Being a teacher, the saying ‘eyes in the back of your head’ comes to mind. Well, I taught children who thought I was incredible that I could notice them chewing gum before they set foot in the classroom. Passing notes (or texting) was definitely a no go – nothing could get past me. I noticed things when we were out and about; buildings, slight changes to buildings or skylines. Anyway, you get the idea. 

  
I imagine you’ve all heard of baby brain. A very real ‘condition’ that occurs in the majority of, if not all women during pregnancy, whereby their brain seems to work on fewer cylinders than required. Mummies-to-be are forgetful, muddled and generally find it difficult to function in society. I most definitely suffered from baby brain when I was pregnant, and definitely for a time afterwards, when Jude had arrived too. Well, it seems that my baby brain hasn’t yet completely subsided. I repeat myself on a daily, if not hourly basis (although some would say I have done that for years). I have to write everything remotely important down, otherwise I have absolutely no chance of remembering it. For the first time in my life I use a wall calendar and it is COVERED. I also cross off each day (like in films) as they happen, just so I know what day it is. I think the whole situation is exacerbated by the fact that I’m still on maternity leave, so struggle to remember what day it is, let alone the date! This is helped slightly, by going to classes like singing and swimming, as they occur on the same day each week; but come half term, or a holiday like Christmas or Easter and the confusion occurs all over again! 

This is a subject that I have discussed with Steve on many occasions. He is brilliantly patient with me and for that I am thankful. It is however a subject that I’m interested to know whether it affects any others out there? Does it get better? When can I expect to be as snappy and on form as I used to be once again? Will it improve on my return to work? Or am I doomed to be a slightly ditsy and irritating mummy for all eternity?